The Chicken or the Egg November 9, 2009

Belated but still mostly accurate.

 

When I close my eyes I can picture him standing at the train stop.  He is staring at me with the intensity of our first introduction. He is telling me not to leave, that I don’t have to go.  Except that I do.  I have to go to Michigan in two months, I have to go home right now.  My train comes and I tell him I’ll catch the next one.  This will only buy us ten minutes but every second feels like the most important of my life.  My heart is pulling me through the mud and I am dragging my heels.  I am so busy trying to decide if I can really do this that I let our best times pass me by.  Even as I am doing it I am resolute that I will not let something like this happen again.  What This is, is another question.

Time and Time Again October 24, 2009

From Counting Crows 1993 album, August and Everything After, not my favorite song from this album but appropriate more often than the others.

I wanted so badly somebody other than me
Staring back at me but you were gone
I wanted to see you walking backwards
And get the sensation of you coming home
I wanted to see you walking away from me
Without the sensation of you leaving me alone

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I cant please myself

I wanted the ocean to cover over me
I wanna sink slowly without getting wet
Maybe someday, I wont be so lonely
And Ill walk on water every chance I get

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I cant please myself

So when are you coming home, sweet angel?
You leaving me alone? all alone?
Well if Im drowning darling, youll come down this way on your own

I wish I was traveling on a freeway
Beneath this graveyard western sky
Im gonna set fire to this city
And out into the desert were gonna ride

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I cant please myself

I cant please myself
I cant please nobody else

Sum of Its Parts September 7, 2009

I moved out of my apartment on August 31st, 2009 and left Portland the next morning.  I can’t think of a worse way to have ended my five year Oregon life.  I spent Monday night throwing my things (what little I cared to keep) into my car, sweating, dropping things on my feet and cursing all men.  I had been spending a lot of time trying to relax and only a little time thinking about what I want from this move.  The over all idea is for support.  I need support for my brain and no one in Oregon seems to want to provide that.  I can provide some support to my family in Michigan.  Apart from that I don’t know.  Oregon has provided me with a never ending list of incomplete men.  One who I can love, one who provides structure and stability and one who provides physical satisfaction.  In a few areas their traits overlap but how to you judge which of these traits are most important?  For sometime now I’ve had my relationship needs met using the Whole is Greater than the Sum of Its Parts System.  So far this has been the most successful method for me but I hope it doesn’t always have to be this way.

Barf September 5, 2009

This is a Goo Goo Dolls song Iris from the City of Angels Soundtrack which came out in 1998.

And I’d give up forever to touch you,
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be,
And I don’t want to go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it’s over,
I just don’t want to miss you tonight.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And you cant fight the tears that ain’t coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
Cause I dont think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.

Driving, Etc September 4, 2009

September 1, 2009
I am at rest after a long day of driving.  Considering my last few days I think I am feeling okay.  I don’t think I have been this torn about a move before.  My last day in Oregon turned out to be very difficult.  I said goodbye to someone who I’ve really grown attached to.  The official relationship I left behind months ago blew up in my face (like everything else in my life it was not compelte until it had done all the damage a thing is possible of doing, even after it’s death).
September 2, 2009
Another long day of driving behind.  I am in Nebraska and moved all the way through Wyoming earlier today.  I am at a camp site getting ready to eat fish and vegetables and plan to crack another beer any second.  Things with my mother are going okay but I need to stop thinking about things that make me sad.  I will focus on beer right now.

September 3, 2009
If you guessed that I had a long day of driving you are right.  We came into Chicago tonight around ten and got settled into our hotel room.  Each day I get closer to my destination I am farther away from some of the things I really loved about Portland.  What a pain in my ass, fuck you, Portland.

September 4, 2009
We arrived about 5 PM, unpacked the car, bought lots of wine and sushi and had a relaxing evening.  Some of the things that have really been bothering me (men, medication worries, job etc) were on the back burner while I tried to enjoy myself.  The house is so loud when we are all here and normally this would be a big deal for me but it is almost comforting to be surrounded by this harmless noise.

Who Loves Jack Johnson? August 28, 2009

Cocoon from the 2003 Jack Johnson album On and On

Well based on your smile
I’m betting all of this
Might be over soon
But your bound to win
Cause if I’m betting against you
I think I’d rather lose
But this is all that I have

So please
Take what’s left of this heart and use
Please use only what you really need
You know I only have so little
So please
Mend your broken heart and leave

I know it’s not your style
I can tell by the way that you move
It’s real, real soon
But I’m on your side
And I don’t want to be your regret
I’d rather be your cocoon
But this is all that you have

So please
Let me take what’s left of your heart and I will use
I swear I’ll use only what I need
I know you only have so little
So please
Let me mend my broken heart and

You said this was all you had
And it’s all I need
But blah blah blah
Because it fell apart and
I guess it’s all you knew
And all I have
But now we have
Only confused hearts and
I guess all we have
Is really all we need

So please
Let’s take these broken hearts and use
Let’s use only what we really need
You know we only have so little
So please
Take these broken hearts and leave

An Excuse August 23, 2009

I could go on and on for days, couldn’t I?  I am in some kind of pergatoroy for rationalization where I am not even able to come up with the beginning of an excuse.  My brain is just running circles around me, like trying to pluck children off a merry-go-round.

You Suck August 21, 2009

You snuck in, but what will you give me?

You can’t fool me, I saw you start your retreat and I knew I was wrong.

I can hide anything, but for you my honesty, my precious precious honesty is not enough.

Who withholds themselves?

Hiding From the World, I was a Squirrel August 19, 2009

The Strokes, Fear of Sleep from First Impressions of Earth

How did anybody find out where I was?
How did anybody find that out?
I was hiding from the world, I was a squirrel.
You chopped down my tree to get my fur.

Fear of sleep
Fear of sleep
Fear of sleep
Fear of sleep
Fear of sleep
Fear of sleep
Oh Fear of sleep
Can’t you wait
I’m not done
Fear of sleep
Here you come
Fall asleep

Fall asleep

fall asleep
You’re no fun

I guess everybody’s week must have been pretty rough.
Cause everybody is drunk, loud, and pissed off.
I know you hate to be impressed with someone else (other than yourself).
But you know, trying to hold back on being an asshole helps.

Fear of sleep
Fear of sleep
Fear of sleep
Fear of sleep
Where’d you go?
Fear of sleep
Ooh Fear of sleep
So you know
I’m not done
Here we go
Here you come
Falling asleep

Falling asleep
You’re no fun
You’re no fun

Epiphanies not about treehouses August 16, 2009

Before my dentists started medicating me they used to load me up on their Awful Dentist Fumes and then get all upset when I was still anxious.  The gas never worked for me the way that I think it must work for other people.  It always just made me feel high, which is the exact same feeling I have in my memory banks for smoking pot.  And that is not a pretty sight.  So essentially Awful Dentist Fumes make me panic, hyperventilate, sweat and pray to god to make it be over.  The only redeeming quality about this situation was that once in a while I was treated to an epiphany.  They are always about me, never about making the worlds largest tree house or anything like that.  Unless I was building the worlds largest tree house to get away from the dentist.
Last night while I watched everyone around me and all their ulterior motives I had a series of epiphanies.  We could say that since they are in some technical way always drug induced, that they don’t mean anymore than a treehouse but for me they give me a well needed sense of relief.  The important part is that these epiphanies always come with a conclusion.  I have tried to follow them once or twice and wound up wishing I would have followed them more than I can count (I have had a lot of dental work).  I can make all the plans I want but I will always be at the mercy of myself.