Headaches August 7, 2009

Raging. My raging Headache demands to be capitalized. Possible causes of Headache in order of likelihood:

 

1. Hormones (today is day four of four of .02mg after 24 days of 3mg)*

 

2. Stress (I don’t think that my level of stress is measureable in traditional methods**)

 

3. My body is out to get me

 

4. New Headphones***

 

5. Chips and Salsa Withdrawal

 

*I was going to have this be my last pack of pills because what’s the fucking point of emptying $70 into my blood stream every month? I did some counting and it looks like if I keep taking them as scheduled I would be on day 25 on the same day I am scheduled to leave Oregon. That’s not a good plan. So the hardest day (day 28) puts me in Michigan. I don’t want to cry the whole trip there because that might give my mom an excuse to drive. Hmmm…I think it might be wiser to stop taking it now and wait two weeks and see if I am still alive. If I am dead I can resume it and then I’ll be somewhere in the middle for my scheduled arrival. ALTHOUGH, dude I totally forgot about this, the pill decreases the effectiveness of my lamotrigine so when I stop taking the pill I will get almost a 25% increase in dosage. This creates more issues. I should have thought about this before day 28. Idiot.

 

** I suppose a traditional method would be how much I would have to drink to not think about it.

 

***But they are purple!

Cleanser July 17, 2009

Note: This is actually a post about cleanser, it is not some code word for depression or men or liquor. 

While reading The Advice Smackdown I came across some entries about skincare and some miracle product that is not loaded with skin stripping acid, which I’m not knocking because I use that kind of stuff everyday it’s just that I can’t help but think my skin is planning somekind of mutiny.  I guess it would be like finding out that your mother is poisioning you, well maybe not like that but we’ll use that as an example anyway.  So you find out your mother is poisioning you, what to do next?  Your next move has to very careful.  She is your mother, she may know you are on to her before you even do anything.  Your attack must be sudden! Ah-ha!  And unpredictable!  That is what I think my skin may be up to and in fact I belive there was a pre-emptive strike a few weeks ago when out of nowhere my face started assulting me.  It was terrible and there was nothing I could do because I already use the best balance of pre-treatment, regular treatment, evil abrasives of death and noice lotion-y application.  What else could I do? 

Back to the post about face wash, or whatever real girls call it.  Here it is, filled with things that sound like they would be great in ice cream or tea or some combination of both.

The best-selling cleanser contains infusions of sage, chamomile, and carrot. 

WTF ever, putting food related items on my body usually creates some sort of angry protest, in spite of my birth control pill (skin-clearing miracle pill, my ass).  Tea Tree Oil is often recommended for HSV outbreaks (and everything else).  First of all it does nothing for my outbreak except making my nether-regions smell like Tea Tree Oil.  On top of that it does terrible things to the rest of my body (forget about going anywhere near my face with that shit).  I find I can’t convey things properly without using the word shit.  Sorry. 

I don’t want to close this on a  negitave note so here’s a really accurate tale of using fake eyelashes, compelte with Spider Monkey Reference.  Initially I accidently typed Spider Money and although I think that should be some kind of new Jay Z album I could not find a way to work it into the post, so this’ll have to do.

Other People’s Blogs January 3, 2008

Ever read Mimismartypants? Here’s a bit.

P.S. I am feeling better.  About four days ago when I went in the bathroom to take my birth control pill I was looking at the package for no particular reason and noticed it said YASMIN instead of YAZ.  I need YAZ.  YASMIN makes me crazy.  So I did not get rid of the old BC, I never do I always keep it incase someone else needs it because that shit gets expensive.  Anyway, I stopped YASMIN mid pack and started a fresh YAZ.

YE-HA.

And I’ll Probably Feel A Whole Lot Better February 6, 2007

So yea, I feel better…now that I live in this world of Better and am no longer overwhelmed every other second of every single day I am finding that I still can’t do things.

Now that I feel like I can handle packing all my shit and moving into something I can afford, I can’t find a place like that. I’ve been CLing pretty consistently but alas there is no light at the end of the tunnel of property management linoleum.

We could talk about how my trinessa is not obeying the laws of birth control.  Seriously, when you take the first pill in the pack while still on your previous seven days, your period should halt.  As in, stop.  As in, wtf is the point if I can’t control my own bleeding.

We could talk about how I don’t understand that someone could not want to live with me.  I don’t understand, I am so perfect in many ways.

For Future Relationship Reference January 17, 2007

Where would I start if I were to try to tell you this story from the beginning? I could start with the part about how trusting I am, how supremely superficial and sensitive I can be.  I believe that he is telling me what he really thinks after seriously considering all of it.  I really believe that.  I am also blinded by my ovaries. 

This evil pill, this gift to women, these hormones that have turned the tables and fought against what they really are, they are killing me! My TriNessa leaves me with some side effects I could do with out. I could do with out the mind-numbing headaches (which start about 30 minutes after I take my very first pill of the month and become less noticeable on day 14). I’m not kidding! Did you hear me? That is 14 days of headaches! Obviously if it was that big of a deal I wouldn’t be taking them. But I just can’t quit. I’d have to leave my sex life behind me forever. There is the matter of the nausea as well; it’s very chicken and egg. I take an unhealthy amount of Ibuprofen (sometimes I take it because I had too much to drink the night before and sometimes I take it because it’s one of the 14 days of headaches but I don’t always know which, I hope you taking advantage of the song writing possibilities here.) I get pretty sick to my stomach for the first seven days of the pill and I’m not sure if it’s because of the pill or because of all the nasty ibuprofen. I don’t know which. We could (if you are still reading) talk about the depression that completely owns my life now. I blame that on the pill too. I have a normal cycle of depression that revolves around my dad’s birthday and the time he died (conveniently located within six days of each other). That was in July (1996) and today we are somewhere in January. So depression is not on the schedule, not due for six months. The schedule dictates that right now, this month, I should not cry because my boyfriend did not seem interested in discussing my pill or not to pill status and I assumed that meant I could stop taking the fucking things and jesus was I ever wrong and oh god did I ever sob over that for hours. The schedule says No! This is not correct, it is not time to feel like this.

I told him that we had to talk (right before he had to leave for a few hours) so he left and called me within about 30 minutes to find out what this talking was all about. I told him I was considering not taking this evil thing anymore and I explained the reasons above (as best I could with out risking him losing interest) and he seemed like he understood, he even said yes, that it made sense. I (oh I am such a silly girl) thought that meant that out relationship was not dependent on me taking this thing. I thought that meant I could keep weighing my options and finally resting on a decision that was best for me. (And him too, I’m not totally selfish. I considered that fact that he probably did not want to have any kids, with me or in general, even though he had never said so, not even when I told him I was thinking of essentially taking that risk, no sir he did not say word one.) I hemmed and hawed and thought and thought some more. I weighed my options considering my anti-viral and my experimental shot. I ran some of these ideas past him periodically, in emails and IRL and the most I ever got out of him was a shoulder shrug. So I decided I did not want to take it. I really did not want to take it in the first place, the only thing that kept me from stopping was him. I wanted to make sure he (he he he not me me me) was okay with that.
Right?

Still with me?

And on Friday (decision day) at 6PM I was really getting nervous and had to keep reminding myself that I had told him all he needed to know and it all seemed like this decision was okay with him. I thought a few times about going to get it just in case I changed my mind at midnight. I even went online and got the Walgreens phone number. Then I went to go sit next to him and I was going to try and relax. But instead of the usual (I sit down next to him and he pretty much ignores me) he asks me about it, asks me if not getting it is my decisions and I say yes….I jump up and run downstairs.  My plan was to go pick it up anyway to have it on hand in case (again) I change my mind, so that’s what I’ll do.  I call the pharmacy etc.  Except now it seems like he is…contemplative.  I ask him about his state of mind and come to find out I can’t stop taking my pill because I cannot, under any circumstances, do any kind of baby-having with this lunatic (he has forbidden it).  But my problem is (as it always will be) that I love him.

I asked him origionally not about the general idea of pregnancy but if I should tell him if I found myself in that position.  Clearly the answer is no, but that’s not what he said.

So now I am alone in this.  If I want to stop taking this I can’t tell him.

January 9, 2007

I should have the sense to just ask him about the What-If-Pregnancy thing.  I should just ask.  I really want to get off this pill and never look back (I have this silly mental image of me dismounting a giant pill and walking off into the sunset…or maybe going towards the sunset in a hover-craft/diaphram).  I can’t risk the pregnancy if it is something that is out of the question in every way.  If that’s his outlook then I really can’t stop taking it.  Where is the goddamn choice in that?!
Well, I’d better get back to thinking about things instead of doing them!

January 9, 2005

Ortho Tri Cyclen - (norgestimate – ethinyol estradiol and Generic name TriNessa) I started taking this in September of 1997 right after I hand an abortion when I was dating Lesha.  I really liked this pill at first.  It stabilized my weight (which was a huge relief after realizing my boobs had become unmanageable seemly overnight) and it made me….less depressed.  I took it like a pro until February of 1998 but abortion number 2 taught me a valuable lesson.  That lesson is that the pill only works if you take it.  I took from then (everyday) until 2002. I went to my local Planned Parenthood to fill my birth control Rx and was informed that they were no longer carrying Ortho Tri Cyclen but they could give me Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo.  I don’t know if you noticed the difference with the word LO, but there is a difference.  Actually a huge difference! I lasted about three months on those pills.  I switched to Ortho-Evra (the patch) for about three months.  They itched so bad, oh my freekin god.  At this point it’s 2003 and I am celebrating 5 years with no accidental pregnancy! To celebrate I do tons and tons of research (first there was drinking then research) and arrive to a perfect solution of (drumroll) Mircette.  I love Mircette in early 2003.  It is working wonders, doing all the great things that Ortho-Tri-Cyclen used to do for me.  My skin is clear, I’m not depressed and I’m still not fat.  I remember to take it everyday for about six months.  I am dating an old guy I met at work.  We both quit working for the company, we sleep together, unprotected.  I get Herpes and then start to think he is still seeing his last girlfriend.  I am depressed and crazy and can’t remember to take this evil Mircette.  Mircette retaliates and starts causing unbelievable headaches!  I get sick and am sure I am pregnant.  I become a hysterical mess and he doesn’t want to see me anymore.  I realize I don’t have any children and that’s all I’ve ever really wanted and maybe just maybe but then I tell him that I refuse to carry a pregnancy to term while single.  I tell him I refuse to be a single parent and he breaks up with me.  Eventually I figure out that I am not having any old mans awful red-headed baby but I never bother to tell him and he never bothers to ask.  So now the barrier between me and remembering to take the damn pill is my biological clock.  I can’t remember to take it because I don’t want to and I am fully aware of it.  I don’t do it on purpose.  But I know that’s what’s behind my evil subconscious.  So I haven’t really been on a schedule with the pill since then.  Each time I try, I run into the memory wall or the depression wall.