The Chicken or the Egg November 9, 2009

Belated but still mostly accurate.

 

When I close my eyes I can picture him standing at the train stop.  He is staring at me with the intensity of our first introduction. He is telling me not to leave, that I don’t have to go.  Except that I do.  I have to go to Michigan in two months, I have to go home right now.  My train comes and I tell him I’ll catch the next one.  This will only buy us ten minutes but every second feels like the most important of my life.  My heart is pulling me through the mud and I am dragging my heels.  I am so busy trying to decide if I can really do this that I let our best times pass me by.  Even as I am doing it I am resolute that I will not let something like this happen again.  What This is, is another question.

Time and Time Again October 24, 2009

From Counting Crows 1993 album, August and Everything After, not my favorite song from this album but appropriate more often than the others.

I wanted so badly somebody other than me
Staring back at me but you were gone
I wanted to see you walking backwards
And get the sensation of you coming home
I wanted to see you walking away from me
Without the sensation of you leaving me alone

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I cant please myself

I wanted the ocean to cover over me
I wanna sink slowly without getting wet
Maybe someday, I wont be so lonely
And Ill walk on water every chance I get

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I cant please myself

So when are you coming home, sweet angel?
You leaving me alone? all alone?
Well if Im drowning darling, youll come down this way on your own

I wish I was traveling on a freeway
Beneath this graveyard western sky
Im gonna set fire to this city
And out into the desert were gonna ride

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I cant please myself

I cant please myself
I cant please nobody else

The Hardest Part September 22, 2009

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You’re a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it’s just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Sum of Its Parts September 7, 2009

I moved out of my apartment on August 31st, 2009 and left Portland the next morning.  I can’t think of a worse way to have ended my five year Oregon life.  I spent Monday night throwing my things (what little I cared to keep) into my car, sweating, dropping things on my feet and cursing all men.  I had been spending a lot of time trying to relax and only a little time thinking about what I want from this move.  The over all idea is for support.  I need support for my brain and no one in Oregon seems to want to provide that.  I can provide some support to my family in Michigan.  Apart from that I don’t know.  Oregon has provided me with a never ending list of incomplete men.  One who I can love, one who provides structure and stability and one who provides physical satisfaction.  In a few areas their traits overlap but how to you judge which of these traits are most important?  For sometime now I’ve had my relationship needs met using the Whole is Greater than the Sum of Its Parts System.  So far this has been the most successful method for me but I hope it doesn’t always have to be this way.

Barf September 5, 2009

This is a Goo Goo Dolls song Iris from the City of Angels Soundtrack which came out in 1998.

And I’d give up forever to touch you,
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be,
And I don’t want to go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it’s over,
I just don’t want to miss you tonight.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And you cant fight the tears that ain’t coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
Cause I dont think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.

Driving, Etc September 4, 2009

September 1, 2009
I am at rest after a long day of driving.  Considering my last few days I think I am feeling okay.  I don’t think I have been this torn about a move before.  My last day in Oregon turned out to be very difficult.  I said goodbye to someone who I’ve really grown attached to.  The official relationship I left behind months ago blew up in my face (like everything else in my life it was not compelte until it had done all the damage a thing is possible of doing, even after it’s death).
September 2, 2009
Another long day of driving behind.  I am in Nebraska and moved all the way through Wyoming earlier today.  I am at a camp site getting ready to eat fish and vegetables and plan to crack another beer any second.  Things with my mother are going okay but I need to stop thinking about things that make me sad.  I will focus on beer right now.

September 3, 2009
If you guessed that I had a long day of driving you are right.  We came into Chicago tonight around ten and got settled into our hotel room.  Each day I get closer to my destination I am farther away from some of the things I really loved about Portland.  What a pain in my ass, fuck you, Portland.

September 4, 2009
We arrived about 5 PM, unpacked the car, bought lots of wine and sushi and had a relaxing evening.  Some of the things that have really been bothering me (men, medication worries, job etc) were on the back burner while I tried to enjoy myself.  The house is so loud when we are all here and normally this would be a big deal for me but it is almost comforting to be surrounded by this harmless noise.

Who Loves Jack Johnson? August 28, 2009

Cocoon from the 2003 Jack Johnson album On and On

Well based on your smile
I’m betting all of this
Might be over soon
But your bound to win
Cause if I’m betting against you
I think I’d rather lose
But this is all that I have

So please
Take what’s left of this heart and use
Please use only what you really need
You know I only have so little
So please
Mend your broken heart and leave

I know it’s not your style
I can tell by the way that you move
It’s real, real soon
But I’m on your side
And I don’t want to be your regret
I’d rather be your cocoon
But this is all that you have

So please
Let me take what’s left of your heart and I will use
I swear I’ll use only what I need
I know you only have so little
So please
Let me mend my broken heart and

You said this was all you had
And it’s all I need
But blah blah blah
Because it fell apart and
I guess it’s all you knew
And all I have
But now we have
Only confused hearts and
I guess all we have
Is really all we need

So please
Let’s take these broken hearts and use
Let’s use only what we really need
You know we only have so little
So please
Take these broken hearts and leave

Albums, The Civil War and Stuff, not Things August 26, 2009

I would like to start this out with an apology.  I have been taking everything I have been going through out on this blog.  I am sorry blog.  Today I had something to say and so I wrote an e-mail instead of writing something that doesn’t make any sense.  Still, I don’t talk to people, I write to them but whatever, that is so close to normal it’s not even funny.

I can’t believe I didn’t write this.

 

or this one which is about using the word album.  I was rattling off a list of albums I have to someone (who is my age) and he interrupted me to tell me that he had never owned any albums, only CDs.

An Excuse August 23, 2009

I could go on and on for days, couldn’t I?  I am in some kind of pergatoroy for rationalization where I am not even able to come up with the beginning of an excuse.  My brain is just running circles around me, like trying to pluck children off a merry-go-round.

You Suck August 21, 2009

You snuck in, but what will you give me?

You can’t fool me, I saw you start your retreat and I knew I was wrong.

I can hide anything, but for you my honesty, my precious precious honesty is not enough.

Who withholds themselves?