Unfinished Nonsense November 6, 2009

This is the third entry I’ve started in the last week.  I haven’t been able to finish them and can’t guarantee I’ll do that here either.

Last week I started one because I am still thinking a little about my last relationship and trying to remind myself of the reasons it didn’t work out.  In the end, there were so many reasons that I gave up writing about it.

Yesterday I realized that I was starting to feel not so hot again. I have an appointment (of very complicated purposes) next Wednesday and I am hoping for a dose increase. A new medication was added to my regimen right before I left Oregon but I never started it.  It is costly (about $500 a month) which would be tolerable if my mandatory medication did not cost about as much per month.  The new stuff also comes with all the typical side effects that I have been able to avoid up to this point, weight gain, headache and my personal fucking favorite, tardive dyskinesia.  My current medication also treats my anxiety quite well but my previous doctor expressed concerns that it is not under control.  I don’t know what to think about that, anxiety has been such a big part of my life that I don’t know how to separate it from my actual diagnosis.  They are one in the same to me.  What is normal anxiety?  I’m going to research this today and get back to you.

The entry I thought of doing today was about HSV and it’s effect on my mental health. After working on this thought for hours I realize I can’t come up with any way to write about it in a way that accurately expresses my feelings.  Sometimes topics are too complex or thoughts are too new for me to make them make any sense at all.

Headaches August 7, 2009

Raging. My raging Headache demands to be capitalized. Possible causes of Headache in order of likelihood:

 

1. Hormones (today is day four of four of .02mg after 24 days of 3mg)*

 

2. Stress (I don’t think that my level of stress is measureable in traditional methods**)

 

3. My body is out to get me

 

4. New Headphones***

 

5. Chips and Salsa Withdrawal

 

*I was going to have this be my last pack of pills because what’s the fucking point of emptying $70 into my blood stream every month? I did some counting and it looks like if I keep taking them as scheduled I would be on day 25 on the same day I am scheduled to leave Oregon. That’s not a good plan. So the hardest day (day 28) puts me in Michigan. I don’t want to cry the whole trip there because that might give my mom an excuse to drive. Hmmm…I think it might be wiser to stop taking it now and wait two weeks and see if I am still alive. If I am dead I can resume it and then I’ll be somewhere in the middle for my scheduled arrival. ALTHOUGH, dude I totally forgot about this, the pill decreases the effectiveness of my lamotrigine so when I stop taking the pill I will get almost a 25% increase in dosage. This creates more issues. I should have thought about this before day 28. Idiot.

 

** I suppose a traditional method would be how much I would have to drink to not think about it.

 

***But they are purple!

DEAL July 31, 2009

I almost took a quiz on facebook about the movie rating your life would have.  I knew without doing it that it would be rated R for Retarded.  I was however, designated the Mad Hatter in an Alice in Wonderland quiz.  I can’t quite remember why.  Something about not having the answers or thinking that answers are even necessary.  But you love to throw around the question.  Except that I most certainly do not.  Once I get an idea, a plan into my head I am done for.  Each state to state move (and break-up for that matter) for me had about one minute between the beginning stages of planning and the final absolute decision that I was going to go.  Although I had previously thought (April 2008) that Michigan was the next logical step I did not put much thought into it because that would have meant I would’ve had to move.  Make sense? So this year when it came time to leave my vacation in Auburn Hills and I was racing to the airport, blinded by my tears I realized I was going to have to think about it and that meant I was going to do it.  DEAL.

I want to get into this relationship with my sister(s) more but it is complex and I don’t quite understand it myself.  I had a good relationship with the one sister.  We talked often anyway but saw each other only about every four or so years.  The other one, when I had not seen her for 9 years (jesus, can you believe that?) I missed her something terrible everyday but knew that was just the way it was.  Much like I was constantly thinking about my father but it was just part of the suckiness of life.  I was going to miss him everyday and hate him and love him all at the same time and that was never going to change.  I knew my sisters life had been challenging and the familial relationship was a little screwy too.  I had a different mother than my two sisters and neither of them had ever lived with my mother and I had never lived with theirs and in fact all three of us had never lived with our father all at one time.  So I did the best I could to cope with the loss of her.

I almost feel bad about posting this letter but hopefully only about three people I know irl know about this journal, blog wtf ever.  I will post it tomorrow.

I do have some concerns about moving, concerns that have not stopped me before and won’t now.  I am so sure I am not going to be able to find work (the kind with good mental health coverage in the healthcare plan) and that is a huge issue.  That leads into my biggest concern, that I can’t be a burden on anyone.  I feel like I am in very capable hands with my sister and her experiences with her son in the system there and her experience with the county in general.  I don’t want it to ever come to that but I have to be prepared for it.  If it does become an issue its not like I can come back here.  Who do I have here?  I give credit to my mother that I could live with her but only if I was not in need of any psychiatric care.  Helpful, no?  And if I am not in need of such care (and I mean real care here, like having to be in an in-patient or out-patient program) then why would I leave Michigan?  I have an idea, why don’t I think about this some more so I can really freak out.

I had a second concern but whatever it was it was obviously not that important.  Oh wait, it was important.  I don’t know anyone there, besides people I’m related to which I swear must make up at least 25% of the population.  Since I don’t date people I don’t know I am throwing away the idea of dating all together.  Not that I would have any way to have relationships of any kind with the whole no money, no apartment thing.  If I don’t have a job, how do I meet people?  Ahh yes, I don’t.  I am 28 right now and will be 29 in March and I am just hemorrhaging time.  I can’t believe how old I am and how much I don’t have.  I don’t have anything!  I try not to think about that aspect of my life and for the most part I am successful (in not thinking about it) but when I have other people around me with dreams and futures is makes me want to….not be friends with them.  Actually it makes me want to hit them but that is pretty unrealistic.  I know I can’t hit people who have what I want or who are capable of having what I want.

Pros and Cons of Something July 29, 2009

I keep getting these e-mails from the Sellwood Bridge Project and I just cannot imagine myself caring about that. When did I sign up for that? I must’ve have been involved in a dose increase around that time. I started on 5mg and increased to 50mg during the first six months of treatment and I although I felt better by about month two all that was really different was that I was not crying everyday and that the huge mass that lives in my chest had stopped threatening to strangle me. By the end of the year (and at a therapeutic dosage) I had learned to tell when I needed adjustment. You can tell when I started to feel mostly normal because my writing starts to suck (more than it normally does).

 

Things I Have Lost

There are some things I knew I would have to live without when I was so desperately seeking treatment. I knew any creative talents or desires I had would go right out the fucking window and I was totally right. You should see my flat, sad paintings and my tragic CD collection. Sewing does not require anything but the ability to hunch over something with a flying needle for hours. I can still do that but I have less of a desire. I have developed an unhealthy interest in waterfowl (specifically the African Goose, Indian Runner Duck and the Cayuga Duck).

I certainly have no control over my body (for the most part). I have all the stupid side effects of regular medication which means that anything I eat or drink never sits right. My weight is weird and I am tired, tired, tired.

Once dependent on medication I knew my options for having a family would be severely limited if not completely out of the question. This was a bummer but at that point I would have gladly given my entire uterus to be better, clearly that shows I was totally delusional. Pregnancy (like the birth control pill) increases the amount of lamotrigine your body needs. It is also recommended that you don’t breastfeed. According to the Lamotrigine Pregnancy Register out of 1,571 pregnant women who had taken the drug as monotherapy from preconception throughout birth there were 32 defects, one resulting in death and 90 spontaneous losses. Ack. The numbers (at least the defect numbers) don’t sound terrible until you read the list of defects. I won’t torture you with them here. The North American Antiepileptic Drug Pregnancy Registry lists lamotrigine as the lowest risk drug of the four major (Carbamazepine, Phenytoin and Valproate are the others)and it lists an overall rate of 1% positive for birth defects. Now I have to factor in my possible hereditary craziness which…becomes more and more unclear with each study they release. This article  looked helpful and essentially told me that I can help decrease the odds of passing this on.

 

Things I Have Gained

I can now sit and watch TV for a half an hour or go see a movie; I can read the paper, take a bath or shave my legs. I seriously could not do anything (unless I was at a bar) that required my attention for more than ten minutes. Ten minutes is enough time for me to realize that I have much bigger problems then eating, bathing, shaving my legs etc and I would begin a cycle of Freak Out. This is why cleaning was such an awesome deal for me; I could continue my destructive thoughts and accomplish something.

Other

I wanted to add more to this but I am getting ready to do the dental thing so I am all Diazepamed Up and am quickly losing the ability to be objectionalble.

Mysterious Weekend July 27, 2009

I am not really sure what just happened.  I will keep you posted better yet i’ll go look for some appropriate lyrics.  Give me a minute.

Other People’s Blogs January 3, 2008

Ever read Mimismartypants? Here’s a bit.

P.S. I am feeling better.  About four days ago when I went in the bathroom to take my birth control pill I was looking at the package for no particular reason and noticed it said YASMIN instead of YAZ.  I need YAZ.  YASMIN makes me crazy.  So I did not get rid of the old BC, I never do I always keep it incase someone else needs it because that shit gets expensive.  Anyway, I stopped YASMIN mid pack and started a fresh YAZ.

YE-HA.

The Sneaky Wool of Saddness April 24, 2007

I view my depression as some very large, unstoppable, unforgiving force. It is possible to gain control of a fire but most people can’t do this themselves, they have to call the fire department. If you take it upon yourself to clean up this mess you could be hurt or destroyed.

This horrible black blanket (I think it is wool) is so sneaky, so manipulative. I wonder what I have done to deserve this. I wonder what I can do to regain control of my own brain. Am I not dedicated enough to my job? Could this have been prevented if I was more financially responsible? Did I not take my relationships seriously? Am I too selfish?

I mean, can you hear that? Something that I just described as unstoppable has me wondering where I went wrong! There are times when I need that unconditional love. Now is one of those times! Now.

But it’s nowhere to be found. Here is where I start to think I was not meant to be happy. I was not meant to be here.
To be alive, with all the rest of you.
Have no fear, I will persevere. Why, I’ll never know.

1997, 1998 April 24, 2007

April 20-something 1992.  There was a riot on the street, tell me, where were you?  You were sittin home watching your TV, while I was participatig in some anarchy.

I think a Sublime reference is warrented here.

Stupid, bad girl.  I could have made worse decisions (……)

It is this thing….with this friend.  This Pregnant friend.  She’s not even my friend!  She’s a friend of a friend.  And if that is enough to set someone off then I could have a problem.

But I don’t, I won ‘t.  No.  I am okay and right as rain.

Judge me, Ooh! Ooh! Me! February 6, 2007

Here is the lame-ass letter I wrote and sent to two, count ‘em two newspaper because Planned Parenthood Action Network told me to. (Three if you count a commie paper and obviously I don’t, or pretending to not count it). (Whatever,don’t judge me).

I am hoping I can get you to print something about this incident in
Florida.  I am sure you heard about the woman who was denied EC and arrested for an outstanding warrant when she went to a police station to report a rape, MSNBC talks about it at this site: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16890986/

This is not a cause; this is a denial of healthcare.  In this country a woman’s body is controlled by the woman it belongs to.  Yes, it is something that is repeatedly fought over, it is a right at this time in this place.  Therefore this woman was denied something that all other women (not under the thumb of prison workers/pharmacists/religious doctors etc) have.  Please help the plight of this country by getting the word out.

I urge you to let your readers know about Planned Parenthoods “Access to Birth Control Act”.  This would make EC more readily available to victims at Emergency Rooms.  There are a lot of things we need to do in order for EC to be available when it is needed and this is the first step. 

Yours Truly,

Blah-bitty-bah

So I didn’t actually put the blah-bitty-blah part in and I did slightly change it for each newspaper.  Now if only people read this blog, I could pass on this info.

January 9, 2005

Ortho Tri Cyclen - (norgestimate – ethinyol estradiol and Generic name TriNessa) I started taking this in September of 1997 right after I hand an abortion when I was dating Lesha.  I really liked this pill at first.  It stabilized my weight (which was a huge relief after realizing my boobs had become unmanageable seemly overnight) and it made me….less depressed.  I took it like a pro until February of 1998 but abortion number 2 taught me a valuable lesson.  That lesson is that the pill only works if you take it.  I took from then (everyday) until 2002. I went to my local Planned Parenthood to fill my birth control Rx and was informed that they were no longer carrying Ortho Tri Cyclen but they could give me Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo.  I don’t know if you noticed the difference with the word LO, but there is a difference.  Actually a huge difference! I lasted about three months on those pills.  I switched to Ortho-Evra (the patch) for about three months.  They itched so bad, oh my freekin god.  At this point it’s 2003 and I am celebrating 5 years with no accidental pregnancy! To celebrate I do tons and tons of research (first there was drinking then research) and arrive to a perfect solution of (drumroll) Mircette.  I love Mircette in early 2003.  It is working wonders, doing all the great things that Ortho-Tri-Cyclen used to do for me.  My skin is clear, I’m not depressed and I’m still not fat.  I remember to take it everyday for about six months.  I am dating an old guy I met at work.  We both quit working for the company, we sleep together, unprotected.  I get Herpes and then start to think he is still seeing his last girlfriend.  I am depressed and crazy and can’t remember to take this evil Mircette.  Mircette retaliates and starts causing unbelievable headaches!  I get sick and am sure I am pregnant.  I become a hysterical mess and he doesn’t want to see me anymore.  I realize I don’t have any children and that’s all I’ve ever really wanted and maybe just maybe but then I tell him that I refuse to carry a pregnancy to term while single.  I tell him I refuse to be a single parent and he breaks up with me.  Eventually I figure out that I am not having any old mans awful red-headed baby but I never bother to tell him and he never bothers to ask.  So now the barrier between me and remembering to take the damn pill is my biological clock.  I can’t remember to take it because I don’t want to and I am fully aware of it.  I don’t do it on purpose.  But I know that’s what’s behind my evil subconscious.  So I haven’t really been on a schedule with the pill since then.  Each time I try, I run into the memory wall or the depression wall.