1997, 1998 April 24, 2007

April 20-something 1992.  There was a riot on the street, tell me, where were you?  You were sittin home watching your TV, while I was participatig in some anarchy.

I think a Sublime reference is warrented here.

Stupid, bad girl.  I could have made worse decisions (……)

It is this thing….with this friend.  This Pregnant friend.  She’s not even my friend!  She’s a friend of a friend.  And if that is enough to set someone off then I could have a problem.

But I don’t, I won ‘t.  No.  I am okay and right as rain.

Inundated with Baloney January 22, 2007

OMFG. 

NY Times Cover Story

“Is There Post-Abortion Syndrome?”

January 9, 2007

I should have the sense to just ask him about the What-If-Pregnancy thing.  I should just ask.  I really want to get off this pill and never look back (I have this silly mental image of me dismounting a giant pill and walking off into the sunset…or maybe going towards the sunset in a hover-craft/diaphram).  I can’t risk the pregnancy if it is something that is out of the question in every way.  If that’s his outlook then I really can’t stop taking it.  Where is the goddamn choice in that?!
Well, I’d better get back to thinking about things instead of doing them!

Yuck November 15, 2006

The Strokes write some weird songs…

“I’ve got nothing to give
I’ve got no reason to live
But I will fight to survive
I’ve got nothing to hide”

I was listening to that one on my Ipod just now. There’s a line about not being a coconut because god may be trying to communicate. Hearing that line is what actually what made me look up to words. I’m not sure what the coconut thing means, probably nothing, just like everything. Now it’s Local God by Everclear. I am making my own noise so I don’t have to listen to everyone else’s’ racket.

I assumed I’d get to this post sooner or later. I can’t believe I’ve had that other journal for, what is it, four years? I have never gotten around to this evil once-a-month-thing entry. I had tried to talk to Anna about this at one point but she didn’t really understand. I think she had too many questions and so I just shut up about the whole thing. Every month, pill or no, I can always count on still being a girl in so many ways I’ve lost count. I always get my period, it has never been off or missing. Well, it has but that’s a whole other story and it was years and years ago. Okay, it was August of 1997 and March of 1998. Maybe that’s part of it.
There is always some fear that it won’t show up, always. There is always anger and sadness when it finally does. I’m mad that I have to go through this every month. What a fucking pain in my ass. I don’t even need it, I don’t need any of that equipment but I have to go through it all every 28 days regardless. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s also depressing for the same reason. It just reminds me that I can’t (or won’t) do something. Something that I want so badly. Obviously not enough because HERE I AM. NOT DOING A GODDAMN THING.
On the other hand
Are you keeping count of the hands? There are many!
it’s nothing personal from my body. It’s biologically correct for me to want to produce issue.
Did I just say that?
So every 28 days I go through this. I could map out all the conversations in my head and how they go and what comes first. It’s become annoyingly predictable. Really.
So if I have to listen to another speech from Anna or my mother or any relative or friend about what they think I should be doing I am going to go get my tubes tied, I swear to god.

January 9, 2005

Ortho Tri Cyclen - (norgestimate – ethinyol estradiol and Generic name TriNessa) I started taking this in September of 1997 right after I hand an abortion when I was dating Lesha.  I really liked this pill at first.  It stabilized my weight (which was a huge relief after realizing my boobs had become unmanageable seemly overnight) and it made me….less depressed.  I took it like a pro until February of 1998 but abortion number 2 taught me a valuable lesson.  That lesson is that the pill only works if you take it.  I took from then (everyday) until 2002. I went to my local Planned Parenthood to fill my birth control Rx and was informed that they were no longer carrying Ortho Tri Cyclen but they could give me Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo.  I don’t know if you noticed the difference with the word LO, but there is a difference.  Actually a huge difference! I lasted about three months on those pills.  I switched to Ortho-Evra (the patch) for about three months.  They itched so bad, oh my freekin god.  At this point it’s 2003 and I am celebrating 5 years with no accidental pregnancy! To celebrate I do tons and tons of research (first there was drinking then research) and arrive to a perfect solution of (drumroll) Mircette.  I love Mircette in early 2003.  It is working wonders, doing all the great things that Ortho-Tri-Cyclen used to do for me.  My skin is clear, I’m not depressed and I’m still not fat.  I remember to take it everyday for about six months.  I am dating an old guy I met at work.  We both quit working for the company, we sleep together, unprotected.  I get Herpes and then start to think he is still seeing his last girlfriend.  I am depressed and crazy and can’t remember to take this evil Mircette.  Mircette retaliates and starts causing unbelievable headaches!  I get sick and am sure I am pregnant.  I become a hysterical mess and he doesn’t want to see me anymore.  I realize I don’t have any children and that’s all I’ve ever really wanted and maybe just maybe but then I tell him that I refuse to carry a pregnancy to term while single.  I tell him I refuse to be a single parent and he breaks up with me.  Eventually I figure out that I am not having any old mans awful red-headed baby but I never bother to tell him and he never bothers to ask.  So now the barrier between me and remembering to take the damn pill is my biological clock.  I can’t remember to take it because I don’t want to and I am fully aware of it.  I don’t do it on purpose.  But I know that’s what’s behind my evil subconscious.  So I haven’t really been on a schedule with the pill since then.  Each time I try, I run into the memory wall or the depression wall.

Brick -Ben Folds Five June 20, 2003

Six a.m. day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb

Up the stairs to her apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They’re not home to find us out

And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I’m feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

She’s a brick and I’m drownin’ slowly
Off the coast and I’m headed nowhere
She’s a brick and I’m drownin’ slowly

They call her name at seven-thirty
I pace around the parking lot
And I walk down to buy her flowers
And sell some gifts that I got

Can’t you see
It’s not me you’re dying for
Now she’s feeling more alone
Then she ever has before

She’s a brick and I’m drownin’ slowly
Off the coast and I’m headed nowhere
She’s a brick and I’m drownin’ slowly

As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me, “Son it’s time to tell the truth,” and
She broke down and I broke down
Cause I was tired of lying

Driving back to her apartment
For the moment we’re alone
Yeah she’s alone
And I’m alone
Now I know it

She’s a brick and I’m drownin’ slowly
Off the coast and I’m headed nowhere
She’s a brick and I’m drownin’ slowly