- Lie in bed as Spider runs across the keyboard of your laptop. Jump up, wiggle your arms around and stifle a scream as to not wake up the other five people in your house. Pick up one leg at a time and add one jump on each side and alternating knee lifts. Think about maintaining composure and don’t panic when Spider can’t be located.
- Spend a few hours flirting online with a married man herein referred to as Married Man. Think about the Spider and Married Man, respectively.
- Think about the Spider some more. Look for it. Move your blankets, sheets, mattress and the cat. The cat who didn’t see the Spider in the first place. Consider using cat as bait to lure Spider from it’s lair.
- Drive Married Man up the wall, examine the feeling Guilt and consider the reasons it doesn’t always apply.
- Locate Spider the corner. Shake your finger at Spider and give it stern looks. Tell it telepathically that if it stays in it’s corner and doesn’t bother anyone you will be forever grateful. When Spider does not respond because it is sleeping and you get a Zzzzzz response telepathically get a shoe ready, you can never trust a spider, asleep or otherwise.
- Respond positively to Married Man’s invitation to sister-in-laws birthday, wonder why the fuck you would do that. Hope this is not his wife’s sister, hope that it is his brother’s wife. Hope a lot.
- Question Spider gently about it’s intentions. Remain calm when Spider opens one eye and smirks at you. Consider the possibility that Spider is actually punishment for Married Man.
- Think about Catholicism.
- Grab mop, still sealed in plastic and repeat aerobics in step #1. Squash Spider as he tries to run for your closet. Immediately before contact realize you may have to maintain high denial level of any innuendo during subsequent in-person viewing with Married Man. Compare squashing Spider to Squashing your bad habits. Realize you are quite poor at both.
- When Spider’s very large dead body refuses to be squished into a pulp and falls instead onto a pile of clothes use the other end of the mop to remove the clothes to a secure location, preferably any place that does not currently contain You.
