Oh the ridiculous thoughts I have! It’s true, what I said earlier about the Depression Support Group. I know it is …whatever it is but still!
What other things can I do to save myself? I am dying! I am rotting from the inside out and it all begins in my head. I don’t actually believe that is true. In fact, it is my heart where the destruction begins!
I think of moving a lot. Maybe I can move back to Florida? What if I go to visit my grandparents and (certainly no one else there cares to see me) decide that I want to stay? This is entirely possible and has been known to happen to me.
My grandparents are my parents and I feel the same way about them as I do my own dead father and living mother but they could care less about my sadness. One day I shall tell the tale of my grandma (over my stinky and messy depression) calling me a bitch!
“I can’t believe that Selfish Bitch.“
If I were to stay there I’d be expected to remain clean, free and happy at all times. After all, The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost demand it.
What if (what a fantastic title!) I need something else?
I could go to Michigan! I have the one sister and then I have the other one. One shouts about Mental Illness and the other swills Rum in the closet but both of them bawling every night in their beds. Between the two of them surely I’ll get better or kill myself.
Now I am in the crazy stage of thinking about death all the time. I am less suicidal now than in say February but I find myself pondering the crushing pain in my chest, throat and this one bizarre spot right at the top of my sternum and wonder if it isn’t trying to tell me something…mostly that I should stab myself in the throat. Boy if that doesn’t tell you something I don’t know what kind of analyst you are. Although I do find it quite pleasant that the physical pain does not manifest itself near the head or womb. A small victory for the mental illness!
I don’t know how to wrap this up. I guess we could cover the more cringe-worthy subject of my (non) romantic (non) relationship. You’ll see why it is so cringe-worthy!
This morning I was crushed by the thought that I am this tragically poor housekeeper. That one thing is all I really have to offer to make up for all the crying, moodiness and general unpredictability of being a woman (whatever that means). Then I realized that I have nothing. At any moment he could ask me to leave and I would have to do it without any big scene. Of course I wouldn’t need any big scene because I would just die. I mean, I just would fall apart. Just like any normal person (I think) everything I touches falls to pieces. Now I am busy being overwhelmed by the thought that he is just waiting for me to leave so he can get on with his life. I must be standing the way of some (unsarcastic) book reading or trip. Anyway, now I am just done for. I can’t keep it together and feel like collapsing into hysterics every second because now I have convinced myself that I’m going to be deserted any minute now.
What do you think of this post today, Stace? Wait a minute….are you Stacie??