Unfinished Nonsense November 6, 2009

This is the third entry I’ve started in the last week.  I haven’t been able to finish them and can’t guarantee I’ll do that here either.

Last week I started one because I am still thinking a little about my last relationship and trying to remind myself of the reasons it didn’t work out.  In the end, there were so many reasons that I gave up writing about it.

Yesterday I realized that I was starting to feel not so hot again. I have an appointment (of very complicated purposes) next Wednesday and I am hoping for a dose increase. A new medication was added to my regimen right before I left Oregon but I never started it.  It is costly (about $500 a month) which would be tolerable if my mandatory medication did not cost about as much per month.  The new stuff also comes with all the typical side effects that I have been able to avoid up to this point, weight gain, headache and my personal fucking favorite, tardive dyskinesia.  My current medication also treats my anxiety quite well but my previous doctor expressed concerns that it is not under control.  I don’t know what to think about that, anxiety has been such a big part of my life that I don’t know how to separate it from my actual diagnosis.  They are one in the same to me.  What is normal anxiety?  I’m going to research this today and get back to you.

The entry I thought of doing today was about HSV and it’s effect on my mental health. After working on this thought for hours I realize I can’t come up with any way to write about it in a way that accurately expresses my feelings.  Sometimes topics are too complex or thoughts are too new for me to make them make any sense at all.

Sweetness Follows – REM, Automatic for the People November 3, 2009

Readying to bury your father and your mother
what did you think when you lost another?
I used to wonder why did you bother
distanced from one

blind to the other
Listen here my sister and my brother
what would you care if you lost the other?
I always wonder why did we bother
distanced from one

blind to the other
Oh, but sweetness follows
It’s these little things, they can pull you under
Live your life filled with joy and wonder
I always knew this altogether thunder
was lost in our little lives
Oh, but sweetness follows
Oh, but sweetness follows
It’s these little things, they can pull you under
Live your life filled with joy and thunder
Yeah, yeah we were altogether
lost in our little lives

Oh, but sweetness follows
Oh, but sweetness follows

Concrete Blonde – Caroline October 29, 2009

I hear you’re driving
someone else’s car now…
She said you came and
took your stuff away -
All the poetry, and the trunk
you kept your life in -
I knew that it would
come to that someday…
Like a sad hallucination,
when I opened up my eyes,
the train had passed the station,
and you were trapped inside…
Yet I never wonder where you went,
I only wonder why,
I wonder why…

Oh Caroline
Oh Caroline
Oh Caroline
Oh Caroline

Well I hear you’re using someone else’s number;
She said she saw you in the store today.
It doesn’t matter whose address
you’re listed under,
I only know they’ll never make you stay.
Like a memory in motion,
you were only passing through…
that is all you’ve ever known of life,
that’s all you’ll ever do.
There’s a dream I have where I sail away;
looking back I wave at you,
and I wave goodbye…

Oh Caroline
Oh Caroline
Oh Caroline
Oh

In another life I see you
as an angel flying high,
and the hands of time will free you -
you will cast your chains aside -
and the dawn will come and kiss away
every tear that’s ever fallen from your eyes…
behind those eyes I wonder

Oh Caroline
Oh

Oh Caroline

Sometimes I wonder…
Oh Caroline
Sometimes I,
Sometimes I wonder

Time and Time Again October 24, 2009

From Counting Crows 1993 album, August and Everything After, not my favorite song from this album but appropriate more often than the others.

I wanted so badly somebody other than me
Staring back at me but you were gone
I wanted to see you walking backwards
And get the sensation of you coming home
I wanted to see you walking away from me
Without the sensation of you leaving me alone

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I cant please myself

I wanted the ocean to cover over me
I wanna sink slowly without getting wet
Maybe someday, I wont be so lonely
And Ill walk on water every chance I get

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I cant please myself

So when are you coming home, sweet angel?
You leaving me alone? all alone?
Well if Im drowning darling, youll come down this way on your own

I wish I was traveling on a freeway
Beneath this graveyard western sky
Im gonna set fire to this city
And out into the desert were gonna ride

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I cant please myself

I cant please myself
I cant please nobody else

The Coast is Full of Rocks Anyway October 22, 2009

Today I found myself thinking of our weekend drives out to the coast.  You and I and Dog and the quiet.  What kind of musician doesn’t have a radio in his car?  I was left to complete crossword puzzles in the passenger seat, to try and make you visualize empty spaces and recall clue answers.  The drive, although agonizingly stressful, was always beautiful.  Our destination came with the dread of massive dead sea lions and loose dogs but had the added bonus of being The Coast.

I am pleased to have let you take pictures of my squinting face.  I don’t know what I would do if I found myself unable to summon the image of that sea.

I hope those pictures never succumb to my ability to forget, like so many other memories before.  For me to remember something so vividly we must have made a thousand identical trips, but I know better.  Did we make 20 trips to the coast? Maybe we made half to that spot just past Russell Battery and the other half included your precious Astoria. The state of my affairs was such that I couldn’t have handled regular relationship expectations, regular vacations, productive 20 something education or career.  You were Professional Denial, at your service and never questioned my lack of life.  I was grateful for your attitude because I think if I had been pushed any harder, I may have given way.

The ride home was sad and always left me longing for a different life and I know just getting up in the morning left you longing for the same thing.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand your struggle between good and evil, light and dark.  I know what the coast and the trees meant to you but what did the city have? A job, an education?  It was this want of happiness coupled with so much indecisiveness about which life to live which was painful to watch.  I can speculate, but so can you.

Your ideas about where this happiness lay were worrisome for me.  Within the first six months I saw that if I could not put aside my anxiety about where we were “going” I would not be able to continue.  So I came to expect that one day soon you would announce your retirement and leave for someplace I couldn’t follow.  For that reason I tried to keep you at arms length, but the more I had to do that, the more I resented you.  For the record, things were not perfect and we were perhaps one of the worst matched couples in recent history.  I spent at least one night a week wondering what the fuck I was doing.  We continued, unchanged, something like a Tuck Everlasting of Relationships.

Most of our coast trips came with breakfast at the Pig n Pancake or the occasional locally owned breakfast delights. I think this was my favorite part of the trip because of its predictability.  Here we would purchase and read our newspaper, have coffee and savor things we never had at home.  Something with bacon had to be purchased so we would have a treat for the dog.  I would attempt an omelette or a suspicious Eggs Benedict and since you were absolutely enamored of pancakes your choice was always clear. This small part of the trip was always spectacular.

There are so many things here I love, but I feel certain I will not have many trips like that ahead of me, not with the quiet, flying trees.

Advances in Headaches October 21, 2009

Day Two: The Headache advances, and has rendered my left arm useless, as it is fully engaged in ice pack regulation.  My preemptive strike on Monday has proven useless and has quite possibly backfired.

An Angry Spanish Peacock October 15, 2009

Today I tempted the mercy of the universe by thinking about how long it had been since I’ve had a headache.  I thought that maybe I would mention it out loud to someone but stopped myself.  I thought that if the universe thought I didn’t notice it creeping up on me that maybe it would change it’s mind.
Nothing irritates me more than having a headache and I have one right now.   I have been attempting to feed it into submission but it is quite resistant.  It does not like Peanut Butter Crunch as much as I do.

I am at home, in my room trying to relax.  I am having some coffee in hopes that it will help, I may try to take an allergy pill just to see.

I give up! WHAT DO YOU WANT?

My bedroom door is open because there is homework being done in the living room which requires periodic help.  It’s open because I don’t want anyone to not come in.  Not one single person in this house would be stopped by a closed door but that’s besides the point.

Through this open door I can hear the homework process complete with running dialogue.

“This doesn’t make any sense.”
“How can this be?”
“Oh, 2, 4, 6, 8…16?”

There’s this occasional sound effect that usually follows a period of silence.  I think this would be similar to the sound an agitated Peacock would make if it was working on Algebra in Spain.

I Hate Cake Shows October 14, 2009

The Caduet guy is in Olive Garden ads now.  You’ll recognize him right away, he’s the guy with no neck.

At the first hint of an idea I open this blank page.  I’ve started three articles in the last month, one about cheese, another about a fourth grade assignment and the most recent one about my string of mediocre dates.

So cheese is good.  There are many kinds and I love them equally.
That 4th grade assignment turned out to be a lesson in the social shortcomings of my peers.
I have been on 7 first dates, 3 second dates and 1 third date.  As long as the third date turns into a fourth date I’ll consider the whole okcupid thing a success.

Those are the serious things I have been thinking of updating the universe on.  Everything else is what it is.  I guess Michigan makes me profound.

I am embarrassed to say I haven’t gotten to do much dead peopling.  The library that holds the information I need will only allow county residents access to their historical room and only card holders of that particular branch to make copies.  Ack.  I guess that’s my excuse for that.

I have the occasional thought of school which almost always results in an evening of paralyzing drinking.  I may be getting closer to doing something though.  Who knows?

I don’t think I’m going to get into the dynamics of the house right now because that’s going to be a very long one.  Life here is irritating, annoying, hysterical and awesome.  One of my bigger mental health concerns about moving here was that I wouldn’t be able to function with this type* of schedule or without specific tasks to do.  HA.  Shows what I know.

* Willy Nilly

The Hardest Part September 22, 2009

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You’re a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it’s just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Sum of Its Parts September 7, 2009

I moved out of my apartment on August 31st, 2009 and left Portland the next morning.  I can’t think of a worse way to have ended my five year Oregon life.  I spent Monday night throwing my things (what little I cared to keep) into my car, sweating, dropping things on my feet and cursing all men.  I had been spending a lot of time trying to relax and only a little time thinking about what I want from this move.  The over all idea is for support.  I need support for my brain and no one in Oregon seems to want to provide that.  I can provide some support to my family in Michigan.  Apart from that I don’t know.  Oregon has provided me with a never ending list of incomplete men.  One who I can love, one who provides structure and stability and one who provides physical satisfaction.  In a few areas their traits overlap but how to you judge which of these traits are most important?  For sometime now I’ve had my relationship needs met using the Whole is Greater than the Sum of Its Parts System.  So far this has been the most successful method for me but I hope it doesn’t always have to be this way.